Monday, March 3, 2014

Fashion Review: Oscars 2014

I gasped once and maybe groaned once. Not what I want from the Oscars. I want people to be insanely glamorous, and if they fail, I want it to be daring as hell or at least epic bad. I blame the age of the stylists: everyone looks safe, and it's accessorizing, styling and fit that separates the best from the worst. Anyways, let's get on to the fashion review!

Best Dressed

From the first moment I saw her step out of her limo and a team surround her to help fluff her skirt, it was love. I'm a diehard Cinderella fan, so Lupita Nyong'o was a slam dunk for me. Add in the fact she actually helped design her Prada gown, with a shade of blue inspired by her hometown of Nairobi, and it's doubly charming. Every time she swayed the skirt, she looked like a princess. The accessorizing was on point, too, except for the headband which might have been a bit much. But it looked sweet, and her speech was so incredibly perfect, I can't fault a thing about it!

The evening's fashions were basically the Battle of the Beige, and I think Cate came out on top in her Armani. I know some people thought her huge earrings were gawdy, but I thought the choice of opal earrings was the kind of unexpected touch I appreciate from Cate. I was a bit disappointed by seemed incredibly safe on her, and it's probably my least favorite of her many amazing Oscar looks.

Jennifer Lawrence needs to call up Dior and figure out why their other brand representative, Charlize Theron, gets all the good stuff. Charlize looked classic, yet modern in this black gown that played with illusion while remaining utterly timeless. She hits it out of the park every year, and my friend Bret pointed out her fit is always perfection. 

Naomi Watts always looks amazing, too, and I deemed her Calvin Klein look "Casual Grace Kelly." This is a great example of the power of styling; Calista Flockhart wore an almost identical dress, but it looked blah. Naomi Watts wore a statement necklace, a geometric clutch and paired with strappy black heels. The best part, in my view, was her casually tossed hair (it reminded me of Kelly on 90210!) and simple red lip. 

Sandra's navy Alexander McQueen gown was a gorgeous shade that looked especially beautiful next to her brown eyes and gorgeous hair. She kept it very simple with this, which is a little daring in itself because I know I would've reached for a blingy necklace. Satin isn't easy to pull off either, and she managed not to look overly prom.

I freakin love the crochet-inspired detail on Portia de Rossi's Naeem Khan. I'm sure many folks hated it, but it was interesting, fit perfectly and was really appropriate for her being there as the date of the host. I love intricate work, so I was all about it.

Olivia Wilde was hands down the best at dressing her new pregnant body at this year's awards circuit. Her black Valentino was super simple, but insanely flattering to the point that I almost couldn't tell she's pregnant! Her winged eyeliner and swingy white earrings gave it a '60s reference and I loved it.

Good, But Not Best

Let's acknowledge J.Law is one of my all-time favorite people, insanely gorgeous and my future best friend. But girlfriend is getting a bad deal from Dior. I don't feel like the fine French folks have given her anything truly amazing since she started working with them. The peplums on this dress seem almost like an afterthought and the gown itself looks like something I could buy at Dillard's right now. I can admire a desire to go simple on a night when everyone expects glamorous dazzle, but then again, I want to be DAZZLED, dammit! She doesn't look bad, she just doesn't look amazing. Also, I want to deduct 4,000 points for her wearing a backwards diamond necklace two years in a row. You have an opportunity to wear basically any jewelry in the world, and you decide to do a repeat? Nope.

Amy's Gucci gown was certainly structurally beautiful, and gave her a nice little sashay when she walked. Her styling was on point, and her hot pink-and-blue earrings were a fun touch. But I couldn't muster more than a "oh, okay" when I saw her appear. She looked so glamorous in American Hustle, and I would've loved to see her just pull out all the stops in some insane vintage Halston or something.

I see no fault with Idina Menzel's Vera Wang gown, which was such an interesting shade of green (kind of mallard duck green?), but it just wasn't enough to merit a "best." I certainly liked it better than her peach performance gown....there was a lot of pale pink and peach, so I'm guessing we're all going to be dressing like pretty, pretty princesses this spring?

Best Dressed Grand Dame

Of all the grand dames at the show (Meryl, Glenn Close, June Squibb, the Real Philomena), I thought Bette Midler took the cake in her exquisitely detailed and fitted Reem Acra gown. Would've liked to see a red lip, but whatevs. I like any time an older lady brings sexy back.


Angelina Jolie's Elie Saab gown felt particularly grand dame-ish to me, like something Marlene Dietrich would've worn during her 60s singing career. It wasn't the worst, but it felt overly mature and more than that, it was sitting very oddly on her chest, making her look sort of super busty in a way I don't think she is. Am I alone in this? 

So last year, Anne wore this exact same shape and when she appeared, I was like, "What is up with this deja vu Oscars?!" I blame Rachel Zoe. Her Gucci was fine, but certainly nothing to write home about or wear to the freakin' biggest night for fashion of the year.

I felt like Jennifer Garner's swingy Oscar de la Renta was kind of daring for her, and had a lot of fun, sparkly movement. The bodice, however, seems a little uninspired and the total effect doesn't photograph terribly well, even if it looked great walking across the stage.

Jessica Biel is the most boring person, and I picture her in beige, so when she shows up wearing beige Chanel, I fall asleep from boredom. TRY A COLOR.

You may recall I wanted Julia to wear slinky red Naeem Khan, so obviously she wore a somewhat frumpy black lace peplum-heavy Givenchy gown. I think she has entered a weird stage in her public life, where she is feeling she has to "dress her age" but doesn't really know what that means. I understand wanting to dress for comfort, but I think she is swinging too far toward the boring side. That said, this isn't awful. Just meh.

Penelope loves to be feminine and romantic, so I'm not surprised she was drawn to this elegantly draped Giambattista Valli gown with a big bow. But from a practical standpoint, the fabric wrapping around looked like a hassle when she was trying to present an award. This just seemed better in theory.


When she's not pregnant, Kerry Washington is usually a fashion MVP. Her new body is clearly messing with her mind, because she has been a hot mess lately. I understand she wants to be comfortable, but a wrinkly satin grey-purple toga, gray satin heels, goth make-up and rat's nest hair doesn't seem overly comfy to me. Olivia Wilde? That lady looked comfy AND great. This Jason Wu is a big misstep.

My husband is in love with Anna Kendrick and he visibly recoiled when he saw her appear in this J. Mendel gown. Twitter was having a field day, calling the center portion "red snowflakes." I actually don't think it's terrible — not by a long shot — but I do think it's probably something that fit better on the runway than the red carpet. Minus the red mid-section cut, the top is very interesting. I also know it was kind of a stretch of her fashion muscles to wear something less safe. Keep swinging the bat, Anna, and better luck next time!

Margot Robbie in this Saint Laurent gown is such a HUGE disappointment. Her role in Wolf of Wall Street was a star-making turn, and she followed up perfectly at the Golden Globes in an amazingly fitted white gown trimmed with green gems. This looks like an ill-fitting black sheet, knotted haphazardly in the back and the biggest sin is her hair and make-up. It's just not a shrewd choice to drastically change your look to the point of being unrecognizable when most people are just learning your name! This has to be the work of a terrible stylist, and that person should be fired.

I know it's terrible to make fun of a pregnant woman, but bear with me. This is truly the worst pregnant dress I have ever seen, ever. This is Elsa Pataky, wife of Chris Hemsworth, and this Elie Saab gown is doing her NO favors, looks incredibly uncomfortable, and reminds me of sparkly sea kelp. Just looking at her makes me feel bloated. Now, turn this into an empire waist and I might be singing a whole different tune, but gathering the waist below her belly just looks so uncomfy!

Is it possible to be best and worst at the same time? Liza stepped out in the kind of off-the-shoulder satin pajamas she's been wearing for 40 years, braless and possibly in orthopedic shoes, with a sassy blue streak and duck lips and I love her for it. It's Liza with a Z, y'all, and she doesn't give two shits what mere mortals think.

Nope, I just can't get on board. And Pharell, your tux jacket doesn't even look like it will fully close. Big nope.

And Whoopi blew my mind a bit with this awful ensemble, which is bad on multiple levels. Not only is it an awful concept, with an awful fit, and the laziest pearl strand tying I've ever seen, but I literally just raked Julia Roberts over the coals for wearing the SAME THING a month ago! I thought maybe she was making a joke, that's how crazy this was! 

So who was your favorite? I'll give honorable mentions to Kristin Chenoweth in gold Roberto Cavalli, Kate Hudson in Atelier Versace and Emma Watson in Vera Wang, but I can't include everybody. Who did you think was the worst of the worst? Tell me in the comments!

No comments: